When you really really really don't feel like writing...

 I can tell you one thing and one thing only. I don’t feel like writing. It’s my favorite thing in the world and I don’t feel like doing it. Why? And what am I going to do about it?

The truth is I’m going through lots of change (getting ready for my move, saying goodbye to a city I love and the friends I’ve made while being here for 4 years, being on my 7th month of being laid off, coupled with me being a Highly Sensitive Neurodivergent Sad Girl who hates change (lol), I’ve had a lot of big feelings coming up these days. I’ve seen these symptoms come up before. Starting to ignore calls from friends. Watching hours of Friends. Really really really really really wanting to be in bed.

Right now my thought loop is something like…

…. Whyyyyyyyyy do I have to feel everything so deeply?? it’s exhausting

…..Remember that ex-boyfriend who told you, you were too sensitive? That’s what you’re doing to yourself. Ugh, you’re right, fuck him

…..I’m gunna miss LA so much. 

….But I really don’t want to spend the next 2 months crying about it

…..I should write, but I have nothing to say

….You have nothing to say because you’re avoiding yourself right now. You’re avoiding yourself because you’re sad and would rather escape

….Yeah. Exactly.

….That’s fine. Write from there.

I am no longer submitting to writer’s block. I love writing for the very reason I avoid it sometimes. It’s a place I can’t run from myself. (Or I can try, but the results won’t be pretty). It’s a place where I bleed on the page, where I turn pure vulnerability to words, and see myself for exactly who I am and exactly who I am not. But I don’t subscribe to writer’s block anymore, because I can always write *something* I mean, this whole post is about how I don’t feel like writing.

I started a new creative non-fiction class this past week and one of our ice breaker questions was, of course, what is one of your goals for this class. “I just want to write something honest. And good. But something really really honest.” That’s the key for me when I don’t want to write. Radical honesty with myself. Those make the most refreshing reads anyway. And so that’s something I’m going to practice with myself throughout this call and my writing practice.

I also decided to stop torturing myself for other reasons. The first time I wrote a short story, I was in tears at my local coffee shop. I felt a joy I had never ever experienced. It was better than falling in love, better than finding unexpected money, even better than laughing to the point of tears. And so when I’m feeling the least bit tortured over my writing, I come back to that moment. The joy of the craft. My sacred place.

Love,

Renee <3